I hope you are well!

ech

Part of this process has required me to practice being still. I am rarely still, even if my body is at rest my mind is usually running in 7 different directions – but this really steals from me the full experience I could be having. Or, as I have noticed, if I really focus on one thing, for instance a piece of music, and I listen very quietly, I can learn things about myself, my world, God, the artist, etc. – and I have learned to cherish these insights, and in turn they are really opening me up to a whole new way to explore & experience the world. Which can be scary, annoying, confusing, embarrassing – but also really wonderful. I wish I could explain the depth of feeling, and gratitude I feel. If nothing else I really hope I gain a better grasp of descriptive language through writing this blog!

I traditionally have largely listened to Punk rock, rock, ska, alternative, etc – really anything I could “sing” along to, but I have been really drawn into more classical(?) lines of late. Though not as much of the traditional classical music. I have appreciated opera, classical, etc for quite a while, but they didn’t keep my mind occupied enough, I wasn’t calm enough to really hear them, nor open to the experience enough to not be made very uncomfortable and run away. Now though, I have been finding incredible enjoyment, and surprisingly, peace, in these genres. (Though I still like rocking out, and singing at the top of my lungs as well)

One of the “finds” I have been truly enjoying is “Music from a Farther Room” by Lucia Micarelli. Touted as a “rock violinist”, the album is so passionate, filled with such energy and emotion, it fills me with so much feeling I have a need to release it in some way – I often find myself dancing unexpectedly. If I do manage to “paint a song”, I am guessing it will be one of these lyrical images that forced me to try. I wasn’t entirely sold on the first hearing, though admittedly I was in the car, however with each subsequent listening I feel like I can see more of the world being shown to me. I really recommend the album, donning some good headphones, and lying down in a peaceful, lovely place, for a good listen. Better than a movie – and probably more productive. :)

My world is expanding, which is frightening; sometimes it takes all I have not to crawl back into the warm safety of my cave – but oh, the things I see when I venture out, open my eyes, and look around!

I hope each of you are hanging on, walking the tightrope (hopefully with a twirl or two!), and learning every day. I will see you soon in my thoughts and in our shared humanity.

ech

My apologies for ignoring my blog, I have been wrestling with some hairy adversaries, and I wasn’t sure I was comfortable sharing them until I had them pinned at least once, so I could ask their name… because really, that is only polite. :)

The most directly blog related, is a train of thought I had been trying to push away, “how much is too much information to give away to the internet?” I know you are all lovely people, many of which I wish I could go to lunch with, and get to know… but there are the rare few… More than that though, what goes to the internet never dies. This is a little intimidating when you are, in a way, chronicling a part of your life defined by change, and growth. Do I really want evidence of the even MORE imperfect person I started out as to live on, forever? Is this blog something that I want future employers, students, colleagues, & friends to be able to go back and read years after I abandon the project? How does all this weigh against the potential good sharing our human experiences can have? This is but one of the internal discussions that have been weighing down my psyche.

In addition to whether it is a good idea to share, I have been struggling with this blog’s purpose. In the beginning I was “on fire” to share my journey, but over the last month doubt has crept in, and I have lost some of the original flame that kept me motivated. I also jumped into a variety of social media all at once, and now feel a little inundated with the additional management of self I feel is required to put my best “digital footprint” forward. Great people to meet, and learn from, but also some pressure to put professional foot forward first, and leave personal foot a little behind. This creates an awkward gate. lol.

Anyway, I think I have come to the conclusion to continue on, and share things as they are interesting. I am also hoping my goal and purpose will become a little better defined as time goes on. Until then, thanks for reading, I hope you find a tantalizing thought on here now and again! :)

ech

Tomorrow is another day, full of glorious possibilities and new experiences!  (I have been forgetting to be purposeful about seeking new, “out of my head” experiences, tomorrow I shall remedy that)

I have watched a few over the last few days that I have found very impactful, unfortunately I keep “forgetting” how much writing through what I am thinking helps, so I have only been thinking through them. You would think I would be a faster learner by now!

The video that I just watched is by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, and is titled: Nurturing Creativity. I would argue that it is also about nurturing your self. The video can be found here:
http://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html

While I felt the lecture got off to a slow start, overall I thought it great. I particularly like the story at the end, it seems applicable not only to those people who have “traditionally” artistic endeavors such as dancing, painters, etc – but also to most anyone. I could be over-generalizing my own experiences, but the fears and experiences that she is discussing seem to relate to anyone who is in the western world, working in any kind of performance based field – particularly if they have had a lot of success. One of my greatest fears, for most of my life, is that I am not living up to my potential, or the success I had as a child… I can empathize with that dancer and his metaphorical bad knees. (This also reminds me of another video – http://bit.ly/Ect6C)

Regardless of the generalizability, it really felt like she was addressing some of the things I am trying to work through now. I am not sure how I feel about her “solution” though. While I agree that “genius” is often derived from areas outside of our control as well as within, is it healthy to separate out the two for the sake of sanity? It is an interesting question, particularly given that I am a faith based person, and so am comfortable with accepting that God is in control (or at least am accepting that)… I am conflicted (hence only mildly articulate). Perhaps the wrench comes from the fact that we want to own our success, and of course should in many ways, but not in its entirety… Also the fact that “modern” society teaches us (as if it is natural) that what we do comes from ourselves (again reminds me of – http://bit.ly/Ect6C – plus almost every class I have taken in the last 2 years) …   Or maybe it is whether we are actually talking about Divine Inspiration.  If we are, then it is definitely separate (but also within), but if we are talking about just shielding ourself from ourself… Well, it gives me a lot of things to think about.

I especially loved the conversation she had with the daemon in the corner of her room when she was in the “pits pf despair, when you start thinking this is the worst book, not just bad, but the worst book ever written” – how I can empathize with this! Somehow our psyches never go for the neutral, “wow, this might suck a little”, it is always <big booming voice> “The Worst Book Ever Written”</voice>. I also really appreciated her decided reaction if the “genius” didn’t do his part – “To Hell with it, I am going to keep writing anyway, because that’s my job. I would like the record to reflect today that I showed up for my part of the job.” Sometimes I think our job *is* just to keep going, even when it seems like nothing is happening, or that we aren’t reaching the quality we desire. As she discovered with Eat, Pray, Love sometimes those are the things that burn the brightest in the end – maybe due to the very fact that we had to rely more heavily on “outside help”.

My problem seems to be figuring out what medium and topic I am supposed to be using. It is incredibly frustrating, having the cosmos throw things at you, but having no way (limited ways) to capture them. Maybe I am getting close, but until I do figure it out, I am just going to keep on going, keep on learning, keep on exploring, keep on grasping, keep on helping – because that is my job.

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My family and I moved from the east coast to the midwest the summer before my freshman year in High School. This was a bit of a shock – but that has little to do with the story (my parents took perverse glee in the months leading up to the move reminding me that my new high school was across the street from COWS). The relevant hook here, is that storms in the midwest are… serious. I had grown up an east coast “city” chick, the occasion storm that sent us to the basement in NY was NOTHING compared to the average thunderstorm in the midwest. I did not adjust well to this, and eventually relocated my bedroom from the main house, to the finished basement. It just saved the middle of the night relocation. (It also better suited my need for quiet solitude) So, there are two funny stories…

Story 1
One morning, as I was waking up in my basement cave, my mother called down the stairs to me, and made what seemed a really odd comment – “Hey Liz, Don’t get out of bed!”. I am not a morning person, so this seemed particularly perplexing, then she yelled out, “is there anything unusual in your bedroom?” This was about the time I heard a *very* odd noise, almost like running water. So I swung my feet over the side of the bed, and went to turn on the light. Only to get a serious shock (luckily only figuratively), as my feet splashed into at least an inch of RUNNING water. I was sitting on an island! At that point if I was going to get electrocuted I would have already, so I wandered out. Amusingly, the thing I was most annoyed about was a SQL book I had just bought and started reading the night before, which I had left on the floor. I still have it, in its “obviously been soaked and dried” bloated state. It makes me laugh every time I look at it, so I can’t seem to recycle it. My mother’s memories are a little less fond, though she did say that the look on my face when I waded out of my bedroom was pretty priceless. :)

Story 2
I grew up idolizing my father, my parents were very strict, and it wasn’t until I was older that they really let their sense of humour out (we all have an “artist” sense of humour… if you don’t know what that means… well I can’t really explain it but family dinners are hilarious affairs). Anyway, our basement had a habit of flooding during rainstorms, especially if the gutters got clogged at all. One night (I think I was home from college), we got a big storm, and the basement started flooding. When we went outside to see if we could identify anything to do, it became obvious that the wind had knocked some leaves down and blocked the gutters. By this time it was windy, thundering and lightening, and generally a good midwestern storm, but the basement had to be addressed. So, while my mother and sister were in the basement trying to keep the water from going anywhere horrible, my father and I were OUTSIDE, rain streaming down us, and running across the yard like a river – Dad on a LADDER cleaning the gutters, me standing in a foot and a half of water trying to bail out the basement window well into buckets (while they kept refilling from the still clogged gutters). I am not sure I had ever completely seen that side of my father before. Once we got over the initial annoyance, it became one of the funniest, most improbable situations ever. At one point I think I even pointed out how unwise what we were doing was, I don’t remember his response, but it was funny. Interestingly, this is classified in “favorite memories with Dad”, of which there are a lot. I still have a physical memory of what it felt like to be THAT wet, working with Dad as an equal, laughing so hard I could barely breathe. So, while it IS very important to keep the gutters clean, sometimes great things happen even if you don’t. lol. (thats the closest I can get to a moral here, lol)

I like the idea, though I have to admit I am having trouble coming up with the list. Not because there aren’t a lot of things I want to do, but because choosing only ten of them tends to leave only the really big items, that are only somewhat in my control… Here goes a rough draft. (I imagine this list will change significantly over time) I also have to say, trying to do this leads to some serious introspection!

In no particular order:

1. See the world – I can’t seem to narrow this down, my travel map is almost one big pin of places I would like to go and see. I definitely want to see Victoria Falls, Capetown, Salt Cathedrals, Moscow, elephants & temples in Thailand, catacombs in Paris… and the rest of the world…

2. Take a pack-in hiking trip, either in Africa, the states, not picky – though I do have a few possible routes in mind – see the world on foot, with only the pack on my back, the kindness of people, knowledge, and God (friends would be a welcome addition as well)

3. Finish my PhD. This seems like a trivial thing to make the list, but seriously, I have been in school since I was 2 – I have taken some significant breaks to pursue a career – but I am ready to graduate now, and move onto “lifelong learner” status. (though I do keep coming up with other degrees that would be fun to pursue… no, must stay focused! :) )

4. Help students discover the strength, power, and passions they have within them – help them become their best selves, and rediscover a love of learning and curiosity. Hopefully I will have a chance to do this as a University Professor, mentor, and maybe academic counselor (this might be cheating, but I am going to count it all as one item)

5. Develop meaningful relationships with as many people as I can, from as many different places, different backgrounds, and everything else. Relationships are what make life fantastic, fresh, and challenging. Make sure that every person knows what they mean to me, so that if I kicked the bucket tomorrow I could be confident that nothing important was left unsaid.

6. Feel as if I am “enough” for just one day – that I did what I needed to, that I fulfilled whatever purpose I was made for. It would be phenomenal to get an inkling of what that is as well. I suppose it would be ok if this happened *when* I died… but before would be nice.

7. Make a conscious, specific, dedication of time and energy to those in need. The definition of this is flexible – right now my heart is really with women & children in Africa.

8. Give at least a few children in need a safe place to call home, to learn about security, love, and the possibilities of life – ever since I saw the movie “Hook” I have wanted to be like the “Wendy lady”, helping children find loving homes where they could thrive (or providing said home).

9. Do something exceptional, impactful, positive, noteworthy, and that will last. I try to ignore my definition of success as being well known, but at the moment it should still probably go on the list.

10. Write a book. I have always wanted to see my name in print.

This list feels so incomplete! What about learning to play an instrument, performing on stage, swimming with manatees, seeing family members grow up, packing too *little* for a trip (I am a chronic over-packer), skinny dipping off a remote tropical island!? So many incredible things that in reality are on this list – I hope I live a long time!